An urban lady diary

Happy Birthday Mama!!!

Monday, March 18, 2013
In my room, Now playing: Coldplay - Fix You

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, then suddenly I remembered about the day when she left me forever. I still at campus when the my phone rang and I didn't realize that sound. Then a text came to my phone, told me that I must go home now. My feeling was so bad, my mind was so messed up. I drove my motorcycle so fast, what I knew is I must go home now.

I arrived at home and my bad feeling was right. Mom passed away. And I wasn't beside her in her sakaratul maut. I walked in living room and I looked my mom was lying on bed, she looked so pale but still beautiful as always. She was so skinny and there were many wrinkle in her skin caused by her disease. I cried and screamed at the same time. I was so hysteric. I couldn't imagine about mom left me forever. What i could think at that moment was just my frustration and desperation. My precious has been gone. Many things that I wanna do for her not realized.

Then came many thoughts that worsened me. I couldn't fund her umroh, I couldn't  ask her to travel around the world with me. She won't attend my wedding and she won't see and carry her grandchild. The worst part of my thought was she won't attend my graduation ceremony which would be held 3 weeks later.

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

I was really messed up and fragile, like very thin paper which can be torned apart easily, in first week after my mom left me. What i can do was crying and crying again. And I couldn't go out from my home cause every corner of my town remind me of her. Fortunately, my bumbblebee always there for me although he was still in Medan. He called and called me thousand times during my dark time. He tried to calm me down and to entertain me. And there was feeling which made me so comfy when I talked with him. He brought my life back to the track. Thanks God you sent him to me to face this moment.

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